Why I am endorsing Paris Hilton

I've been waiting for a moment like this, when the campaign is turned into complete turmoil by the entrance of a new candidate. By now you have likely seen the video she made. Let's ponder for a moment the advantages of a Paris Hilton presidency.

1) She might screw up the small stuff, but she'll never choke on the big ones. Granted the girl is a drunken hooligan, but for every screw up she's had, she comes back stronger. She's like a phoenix rising from the ashes, or a cockroach after a nuclear war, she'll just come back and stronger than before.

2) No worries about biological weapons as an assassination attempt. This girl has an immunity to damn near everything in the world at this point. I mean clearly she has to. She's carrying around her own person USAMRIID in her thong. She's like the terminator, you can't kill her.

3) Well rounded background, as much time in the military as Obama. This chick is a Jill-of-all-trades. At various times, Hilton has worked as a model, actress, musician, and engaged in sometime business pursuits. Dude, I haven't seen range like that since Manny Ramirez was covering the entire outfield at Fenway. And as an actress, I think one could say safely that she is without parallel. She's been in Zoolander, the Cat in the Hat, the Hottie and the Nottie, and How to get Banged and filmed in PVS7B mode. Classics all of them.

4) Character Judgement is better than both the other candidates. You won't find any Rev. Wrights or Keatings in Paris' background. When Nicole Richie screwed up, there was no waffling on Paris' part, she actively went out to find a new BFF. As far as I know, she's never once engaged in any financial dealings with shady bastards like Rezko.

5) Good on Immigration. Paris has a female Chihuahua named Tinkerbell that she works. Look, I don't know Tinkerbell's immigration status, but I do know he's doing the jobs that American dogs won't do, to wit, authoring his memoir The Tinkerbell Hilton Diaries. Paris isn't about to give him a handout just for being here, she's working the dog to the bone. You don't really think that little rat willingly rides around in a pink pocketbook do you?

6) She'll get her own driver as President. I'm not gonna lie to you, girl is not a good driver. Getting her the F out of an auto really isn't a bad idea. Hell of a lot safer for most of us. Now, naturally she might cause even more damage with Marine or Air Force 1, but they wouldn't let her fly those....would they?

7) Could be worse. Paris was not voted the worst celebrity role model of 2006, she lost out to Britney. So, when you see Paris, you can remind yourself that atleast she isn't a fat, chain-smoking trailer park hooker with a penchant for shaving her head, and relying on the old "Oops, I did it again" defense.

8) Her laziness may help out on Supreme Court Nominations. Likely this bitch will be too busy painting teh white house, and/or throwing a kegger to be concerned with finding a replacement for some dead octogenarian supreme court justice. So, rather than be worried about who she will pick, the good money is on you, Siamak Aalemansour, being the first person in the phone book here.

9) She may blow, but McCain and Obama suck too. See 1 Night in Paris, and the positions of both the other candidates.


Now that's Hot.